My dad is 56 years old. He and my mom have been married for over twenty-five years. The two of them grew up down the street from each other in North Buffalo, spent their childhoods together, fell in love, got married and had my brother (Michael, 24) and me. When I was a kid, I believed that my mom was the best decision maker in the world. She always knew the right answer and the best way to do everything. She made the best Italian food and cleaned up my skinned knees. Similarly, I thought that my dad could fix anything and change the highest lightbulbs in the world. He could beat every boss in every video game. I thought that he was brave and adventurous because he was the star chaperone of all of my field trips. My friends loved him because he was fun and understanding.
The four of us used to be very, very close.
Over the years, my dad changed a lot. We changed a lot as a family and I can't quite put my finger on exactly how we got from point A to point B.
My dad worked as an air traffic controller at the Buffalo Niagara International Airport since long before I was born. All my life he had a crazy schedule filled with night shifts and stress and he was still a great dad. He has always done a lot for me. He gives me rides and makes sure that I always have what I need. He put me through school, making sure that I don't have a single college loan.
Sometimes that stuff doesn't mean as much to me as it maybe should, though. I wish that we got coffee together more or that my dad listened more when I talked. I know that he's proud of me, but he's always lost in his head. I think that he worries a lot and bottles it up.
More than anything, I think that it's a good idea for us to get to know each other before I leave for graduate school or really step out into the world on my own. We've grown together, but at such a distance that sometimes I feel like we're strangers. I don't want to regret not making the most of the time that we have left together.
At this point, I haven't quite revealed to my dad what my movie is about. I simply asked him to help me make a nonfiction movie for a school project. We went to the zoo, had lunch at Wegmans and hung out by the river together. All the while, I asked him, questions about his life, his feelings and what it's like to be my dad. Unfortunately, a lot of the audio that I got did not turn out well due to a broken lavalier. I pieced together the parts that worked. I think that these first few days of shooting video and hanging out with my dad helped him to feel a bit more at ease around the camera, though he still isn't being quite himself. A few of the things that he says in this video sound very cliche, but there's also some pretty refreshing honesty that shows though at times. I tried to highlight these moments. Working on this project is also very interesting for me, personally, because it's forcing me to confront my own feelings about my relationship with my dad. There's one point in this interview where my dad asks why I look sad and I say "nothing" and then blurt out, "I'm going away." These are the things that I'm trying to capture. The times where we're both a little lost in things. In this way, I'm not only looking to capture and analyze elements of my dad's thoughts, feelings and behaviors, but mine as well. I am giving a lot of thought to the importance of being honest and representing myself fairly as well.
I'm excited to spend more time with my dad, take more video and see what comes of this idea.
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